Tuesday 8 July 2008

6 months on

On the eve of the 6 month anniversary of Adam leaving for his after party it seems almost impossible to recall those joyful moments in his life that filled us with so much pleasure, and coming to terms with the notion that he wont just be dragging himself out of his pit sometime soon and laying on the sofa asking for a cup of tea seems, at times, completely unbearable.

If I thought that I had plumbed the depths of human emotion whilst he was battling with his disease then boy was I wrong! It seems that every day can bring something, some apparently small reminder of what could have been, what should have been, what will never be… and the wishing and longing tears deep into ones very soul, then without any particular warning the tears can flow, my apologies to anyone who has been with me when this happens.

I’m not surprised anymore when I hear of people who have taken their own lives after a child has died for the almost constant pain and grief would be for most people a continual struggle and for those who may be of less stable stuff then not having to live with it would be a pretty good option.

But I think that you fall into one of two camps, either you’ll sink or you’ll swim… and I know that he would not want people to put their lives on hold or to sink, indeed he would rather that people prospered as a result of their learned knowledge from having known him. In his own words, ‘I don’t want people to be sad ..but I do want them to remember me!’

It is hard to make sense of the why’s and wherefores that surround the death of someone such as Adam, there are so many platitudes that people use and each one, whilst well meaning merely serves as a reminder of the enormity of the loss, At times I truly wish I had a faith as it might make more sense if I really genuinely believed their was a reason for all this.

And the question that remains is always the same one… Why? Why someone so genuinely and clearly ‘nice’? I have never met anyone who didn’t have good things to say about Adam and most people felt their lives were improved in some way by meeting him. So what logical reason is there that he would be taken when there is probably a list as long as your arm of people who are less deserving of their place in this world.

I was with someone about my age the other day who had never actually met him but said that she had watched his video on youtube again recently and having heard his words she had determined that she would make some changes to her life plans and actually do some of the things she had always planned to but never got round to…. And for a moment, for the most fleeting of moments I wondered if maybe, just maybe… that was the answer to the question…….

In his own words……

“it’s a cliché but life is short, You can kinda do anything if you set your mind to it………………..

All you can do is try your best…..and you might have a wicked time”

Love to all


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