Wednesday 25 November 2009

Kilimanjaro Summit now looks like this

Well, the stickers need to be used! :-)

Tuesday 22 September 2009

24 years young

A little after what would have been his 24th birthday I realise that the ‘normal’ that I thought may return sometime soon is in fact never going to return and that the life that exists at the moment is now the new ‘normal’

And, as I was swimming the lake at Windermere again on his birthday I was recalling some of the times we had with him; anyone reading this who met him will have their own memories and it is good sometimes to recall those times and smile, most times with him seemed to be good ones, save perhaps for the times during his illness that forced us to plumb the depths of despair so very often.)

Its at times like those that the missing becomes almost unbearable, the constant ache that sits in the heart and never seems to really fade, ‘it’ll get better with time’ people say but when the emotion hits it is as raw as it ever was. It’s true that it hits less often now but it’s still as powerful. When you truly feel that the only thing that will put things right is to have your kid back, then its hard to see how things can ever be improved.

Other events that occur in life that may be sad seem to open up the same boxes that relate to him and the emotions attached to his illness and his passing.

For various reasons I recently wanted to bugger off and do something and after a short search on the net for something to try and hit the experience fix that I seemed to need, I saw a trek to climb Kilimanjaro, I cogitated for some time and felt that all so common shall I shan’t I? feeling that seems to be recurrent since his passing and then I mentioned my indecision to Jackie who mailed me a list of reasons why I should go, at the bottom was a suggestion that I watch the end of his video where he says, ‘you should try everything, you never know you might have a good time’

So on Friday this week I leave at 6.30 pm for Kilimanjaro to see if I can make it to the top and perhaps leave something there for him, my right knee hasn’t properly recovered since the skydive and so my running has been curtailed thus meaning that I truly don’t feel fit for the trek but hey ever it seems that I now have two mountains to climb! And if I make it to the summit, I shall feel closer to him for a short while…. And maybe, I’ll have a good time J

Keeping his memory alive in any way possible is something that I try to do and having recently joined the appeal board for the Teenage Cancer Trust’s South East Appeal I have attended a couple of recent appeal launches and made a speech about him, I never thought I’d be able to speak in public about him but as with his funeral the strength seems to come from somewhere and for that I’m very grateful.

My reminder for Adam is a robin, and I am hearing so many stories from people who see robins at odd times or when they are thinking of him, it may be nonsense but there is some comfort to be had from thinking that he may still be around on another plane and kicking it every now and then……

Love to all


Thursday 19 February 2009


Videos are like buses, you don’t see one for ages, then two come along at once!

Suzanne and Angela, who filmed the Dumball rally that Adam took part in during 2007 are both credited with giving us something that is of immense value in the film that was used in his Funeral, I am hugely grateful to them both, at the time of filming, no-one could have foreseen how important that footage would become as a legacy from him to the rest of us.

Suzanne is working on further footage to use to promote TCT and to raise awareness in the States and Angela has recently stitched together some footage taken of him in Brighton which, as many who have shared doughnuts and chips with him will know, was his favourite place.

This can be viewed via the following link:

As ever, the boy says it so much better than I ever could.......

Wednesday 7 January 2009

Adam Update 8th January 2009 - one year on

It seems impossible that it's a year since we brought our angel home to let him leave us for the last time and end his battle to stay alive against all the massive odds that had been stacked up against him for so long. At 10 past Midnight on the 9th I hope to be lighting some Chinese lanterns and letting them rise to be close to the boy....

This past year has brought so much change and little time for proper reflection but when the emotions force themselves upon you then that’s the time you have to let them flow, and there is little that can be done to stop them anyway.

There is little that one can say that gives solace at this time and the saying, 'I don’t know how you must be feeling' is one that Pauline and I have heard more times than we care to mention, in fact, unless you have lost a child then you truly cant know how it feels. And I hope that anyone reading this who has children never, ever has to feel the way we have for the past few years, let alone this past year.

It is indeed impossible to imagine how life goes on, but go on it must, if only because he wouldn't want people to stop living normally, he would certainly want people to remember him, he told me that often on the occasions that we discussed the possibility of him dying ' I don’t want people to be sad dad, but boy do I want them to know I was here!' he would say.

As part of my small attempt to make sure people remember he was here, I was pleased to witness the final piece of work taking place in the small room on ward T13 at UCH where Adam was treated so brilliantly by the staff there. This room has had a makeover paid for by the kind donations from everyone who sent money for TCT at or for his funeral, the final piece was the wording that you can see on the wall, it is the wording that was on his tattoo (the one I didn’t want him to have!) and its literal translation is

'he, who flies by his own wings, to the skies, through difficulties'.

I think that sums the boy up and I know he would be pleased to have left his mark in such a way, his image is also on the entrance door to the room which is now available for use by teenagers and young adults on the ward to chill and have massage, alternative therapies and 'stuff, not visible in the photo is a new massage couch and other seating to make the room flexible and less hospital like, it has met with a good reaction from all who've used it thus far, my thanks to all who donated, its good to see something tangible for your money!

Simon Davies from TCT said something to me a good few months ago, he suggested that after the initial shock, we'd be waiting for life to return to normal, and that in fact, how life is now, is now normal we just have to get used to it. Wise words indeed.

I still hear his voice calling out in the middle of the night in the way he used to when he wanted something, but I rarely expect to see him on the sofa in the way that I did a few months ago, I guess that’s progress......... But there a massive piece of our lives missing that will never be returned so this new 'normal' is taking some getting used to, I feel motivated to make sure that I waste no time in getting on with life. He said himself, 'life is short and we don’t know what's round the corner so do as much as you can and try everything, you never know, you might have a wicked time'

So, if there is one thing I have learned from this experience it is to try and figure out the answer to one very simple question that I would ask each and every one of you.............What, exactly, are you waiting for?.........

Love to all