Tuesday 22 September 2009

24 years young

A little after what would have been his 24th birthday I realise that the ‘normal’ that I thought may return sometime soon is in fact never going to return and that the life that exists at the moment is now the new ‘normal’

And, as I was swimming the lake at Windermere again on his birthday I was recalling some of the times we had with him; anyone reading this who met him will have their own memories and it is good sometimes to recall those times and smile, most times with him seemed to be good ones, save perhaps for the times during his illness that forced us to plumb the depths of despair so very often.)

Its at times like those that the missing becomes almost unbearable, the constant ache that sits in the heart and never seems to really fade, ‘it’ll get better with time’ people say but when the emotion hits it is as raw as it ever was. It’s true that it hits less often now but it’s still as powerful. When you truly feel that the only thing that will put things right is to have your kid back, then its hard to see how things can ever be improved.

Other events that occur in life that may be sad seem to open up the same boxes that relate to him and the emotions attached to his illness and his passing.

For various reasons I recently wanted to bugger off and do something and after a short search on the net for something to try and hit the experience fix that I seemed to need, I saw a trek to climb Kilimanjaro, I cogitated for some time and felt that all so common shall I shan’t I? feeling that seems to be recurrent since his passing and then I mentioned my indecision to Jackie who mailed me a list of reasons why I should go, at the bottom was a suggestion that I watch the end of his video where he says, ‘you should try everything, you never know you might have a good time’

So on Friday this week I leave at 6.30 pm for Kilimanjaro to see if I can make it to the top and perhaps leave something there for him, my right knee hasn’t properly recovered since the skydive and so my running has been curtailed thus meaning that I truly don’t feel fit for the trek but hey ever it seems that I now have two mountains to climb! And if I make it to the summit, I shall feel closer to him for a short while…. And maybe, I’ll have a good time J

Keeping his memory alive in any way possible is something that I try to do and having recently joined the appeal board for the Teenage Cancer Trust’s South East Appeal I have attended a couple of recent appeal launches and made a speech about him, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cth_Dy1-tnc I never thought I’d be able to speak in public about him but as with his funeral the strength seems to come from somewhere and for that I’m very grateful.

My reminder for Adam is a robin, and I am hearing so many stories from people who see robins at odd times or when they are thinking of him, it may be nonsense but there is some comfort to be had from thinking that he may still be around on another plane and kicking it every now and then……

Love to all



Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

i visited brighton from about 2 hours away today and came across adam’s bench and read his story from the qr code. he seems wonderful. thank you for sharing his story, i hope you had a great time doing the climb. i truly will take his message with me wherever i go. i wish you and your family nothing but peace ๐Ÿค